Canyon Ranch: We Can’t Explain It

Canyon Ranch: We Can't Explain It Either
This ad appeared in the June 26, 2016, issue of the New York Time Magazine

“Sam, Sam, wake it up! It’s happened again!”

The resort’s director drifted toward consciousness, like one of his guests surfacing from the pool. His assistant was standing in the doorway, gripping the doorframe with both hands, gasping for breath. Sam sat up.

“Sam, it’s happened again! We had another guest’s body lock into that yoga position when the resort’s theme song played over the PA system! She was eating an early breakfast at the cafe, and when the song came on and she just dropped her danish and locked into position, right there at the breakfast counter. That’s the fifth one this week, Sam! What’s happening? What do we do?”

Sam rubbed his eyes.

“Just float her out on the lake with the rest of them.”

His assistant looked at him uncertainly. “But, boss, shouldn’t we maybe stop playing the theme song? At least until we figure out what’s going on.”

Sasm took a deep breath. He was tired of answering this question. “Look, I already told you. I flagged the issue for corporate and told them that the theme song might be triggering it. They told me the Tucson location isn’t having any problems with the theme song and I should keep playing it. So my hands are tied.”

“But, but…are they sure it’s the same theme song? Because we only started playing this new one a couple weeks ago; maybe Tucson hasn’t started playing it yet?”

“They’re playing the same song, and we’re going to keep playing it until corporate tells us otherwise. Now, go float that woman out onto the lake, and let me get dressed.”

The assistant, looking confused and frustrated, left the room and closed the door. In the darkness, Sam smiled. The music he’d been playing over the PA was not a new theme song, and there had been no message to corporate.

He pulled the ancient tome from under his mattress and touched the worn leather binding. He only needed to put a few more people in yoga poses out on the lake, and then he’d be able to begin the ritual. Making a bargain with a supernatural demon from another plane of existence was obviously risky. But Sam really wanted that transfer to Tucson!

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